Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Belief

My sun awaits
tempting my solemn eyes,
drifting further and further
down towards where you lie.

I am providing the weight,
creating a struggle at hand--
always begging for comfort
since you couldn't on land.

Just pierce my lungs,
I don't mind anymore--
My breath is scarce
and it is you I cannot face.

The torture you have planted
sprouts opportunity to drown,
just turn off the switch
and I will fall with my frown.

Keep those dreams distant,
unreachable for a heart on empty
and buried with you deep--
into the cold soil at sea.

I am forever strained;
I cannot reach you
as I couldn't reach you before
and yet I still keep score.

You have my heart still--
how must I give to another,
as I continue to leach
upon pain as my cover.

All pieces fit together,
tight to the tale of love
but you snapped the twine
and left me rigid with wine,
wishing only for more time,
and receiving none but a rhyme.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sit.

I am brittle
I am bruised
I am barefoot
I don't want to feel used.

I am sleepwalking
I am avoiding
I am demolishing
I just want to feel something.

I am livid
I am remorse
I am smitten
I can't handle the choice.

The ropes bust
jerking at the wrist,
the hands collapse
fearing they will twist.

Exhaustion is welcome
inviting the drug to seep,
plumping the vines
it claims its provocation to weep.

Rolling down the hill
blurring momentary escape
she then plants below
where she wishes she could still grow.

Monday, August 23, 2010

"You have stolen my heart"

I cannot speak of anyone else,
you never vacate my mind
or leave the shelf.

I want you to be around,
I keep you around,
I cannot bear you beneath ground.

So your frame stays,
your memories continue to flood
and I breathe you in my blood.

Will I ever be able to admit?
You are forever gone,
left me feeling wrong.

I got used to the pain,
bled for a chance to heal
a chance to retrieve what was real.

But was it ever real?
I sit here abandoned
feeling rationed.

You will never step foot
on my mat in prediction
for you have ultimately left
leaving me bare hope as a theft.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Block Out

I awake curling up to absence
Nestling against a piece of fur
Intentionally substituting your cocoon.

Salt burrows out from the lids
Forming an ocean matching the sheets
Conveying a shivering presence.

I bleed to find that divot
Searching ever crevice
I find a vast empty surface.

Silence prevails
Crippling a cycling solemn show
Engulfing the debris of bones.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Mental Exhaustion

I would rather sit in silence
after realizing where I am.

Alone in my car at 11:31 pm
in a dark parking lot.

Waiting to breathe
Hoping to lift a muscle.

Sometimes a mere voice
is too much noise.

- - -

I venture to bed at 5:22 pm
clenching that teddy bear.

I visualize that night
that circle of warm arms.

I cannot see through the fog
you are not there.

Squinting I see a box
containing an end.

I see remnants of your face
I taste my kiss upon your hand.

I fall again for the thought
I cannot enclose in my mind.

Fidgeting for fear of the truth
I resume my sleep torture.

- - -

Awake to a phone call
I am used to yearning.

Hit ignore
It is what I do best.

I dream of warm pasta
while sprawled out on the couch.

One glimmer within a second
I rise.

Create a dinner
and return to the couch with no surprise.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Never wanna open my eyes

Knuckles locked at each angle
Nails protruding for grip
Palms sweaty in anticipation
Awaiting to weave around your shoulders.

Sternum strongly perked
Breasts wavering
Thyroid contracting
Beating rapidly for touch.

Stomach shaking to your graze
Back numb to the heated muscle in your palm
Neck blood pumping from the sponge on your face

Hair gripped
Toes erect
Eyes close
Foreheads collide
Strong inhale
Bodies aligned

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Stranger

I can be the only one.
I can save myself
or let me go.

I am brutally trapped.
Between your world
and mine I try to create.

I endure the cycle.
Repeating the pain
who could ever tell.

I am all alone.
My head gets heavy
again it burdens guilt.

Anxiety turns numb.
Numb rips away care.
Care begins to bleed within.
Within her body she breaks.
Broken to the world.
The world sounds quiet.
Quiet until the sun rises.
The sun rises to reveal normalcy.
Normal lives endure.
Enduring is now last on her mind.
Her mind speaks of regret.
Regret plummets her to a hole so deep.
Deeper she submerges below surface.
The surface shows reminiscence of once was.
Was she ever going to let herself rise?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Torture

The dead skin piles chin high
too much rough pink to go around.
Wishing it were smooth as infant calm
but it remains jagged with each stuttered step.

The eyes droop dragging on the floor
lazy as a howling hound.
Hoping they might lift the next second
but hours pass while a zombie wishes.

The blemishes stain red
seeping through to the surface.
Dreaming of a day when they blend
into complexion of an absorbed sunny day.

The windpipe chokes on acid
savoring the poison it chases.
Searching for something to quench evil
bubbling at the bottom of guilt.

The heart fears abandonment
but it is already alone.
Leeching onto any hand with blood
yet refusing any thing with life.

The mind is heavy and numb
bearing all pain it can possibly muster.

losing flight

the crack is closing up
gradually leaving no space for myself to breathe
when will I decide that enough is enough
but there is a glimmer of light still
isn't that enough
not during those moments when the crack eases together
breaking all structure binding to its roots
the pain becomes overwhelming
and the bark breaks as the trunk caves in
leaving less and less room for light to shine through

Monday, June 28, 2010

"HOPE FLOATS"

Chances are I will frown until morning light,
until my dreams are never met.
Chances are I will bleed onto here,
and never dare to speak of my fears.

Chances are this will be a silent cry,
no one will beg for the truth.
Chances are my branches will fall,
and the rain will pick up without stall.

Chances are the seasons won't change,
a grand cycle of memories to never fade.
Chances are I will not want to let go,
with nobody to understand why I refuse to grow.

Chances are I will still get angry,
to him as I bleed alone feeling robbed.
Chances are I will talk back to others,
who speak of my worth like a repeated song.

Chances are I will drown myself,
in protecting your spirit and our love.
Chances are like it was before,
I will get to a point where I cannot take this anymore.


CHANCES ARE-- BOB SEGER & MARTINA MCBRIDE
"All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light

I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you
In my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best I've ever met"

Monday, June 21, 2010

Release

Demons invade the lump on the cushions;
once the fluorescent light encompasses her whole,
the grapes ferment even further inside the veins
creating fusion combining fabric and soul.

The melody persists to push her down;
she doesn't mind the sappy slashes to her heart--
it already whimpers to the stars
hoping he will return to mend the part.

But time ticks away despite her wading;
she continues to tread without feeling,
too lazy to dry off her life deprivation
while kneeling for an approval on motivation.

She feels too much and does too little;
she simply feels chaos expanding her bones,
furious at failure and engulfing emotions,
yearning to inhale the love that didn't need any reasons.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Today, another day

I simply miss you. Days utterly go by, piercing time into my heart. How has it been a year since I have looked into your eyes? I hate straining to see your face behind mine. I swore I felt you today, so many tickles to the neck; a brush here, a brush there. After peaking around my back, I wondered what I was searching for. I am still crazy for you; you still give me chills within the passion trails through those memories. Without control, you come into my mind every time it starts to settle its waves. "There is no time line," my therapist says. But how do I escape the fear of time monopolizing on my footsteps? I continue to stand still, too scared to miss what is now never a possibility, too scared to open the door and step foot outside where you are no longer. Our story cannot be experienced by any but our own. And our own, is my own to carry. To have one love of your life is a fairytale, to know I will forever have two, is an unprecedented blessing.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My World

Look at her over there,
standing so low underneath solemn light
caressing her spine peaking out.

Is that a tear I see?
I think it splashed the concrete
awakening the vast tunnel behind her.

Her profile is so depressing;
she is a motionless noodle
slinking below the ground.

What is she doing on the floor?
She must enjoy cuddling with dirt,
twirling her fingers with a close friend.

Her dress is all messy,
the white is blurring to black
erasing innocence within the stitches.

Where did she go?
Whispering 'hello' to the tunnel,
the echo answers the child.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

In an instant

My head starts to pound
as I yelp through the persistent tears.

Hot and tired, my head between my knees
I force myself to carry my heavy body.

Picking up the black, silky tissues
I gravitate towards my channel.

As I sit and type
Inside I shatter to "with out without you".

My eyeballs burn underneath the heavy drapes
and I waver to keep awake.

Avoiding the sheets where you are not.

That post-it found
zapped my now plump veins.

Flooding the knotted disbelief,
as the vibrant memories bleed fresh.

Once a simple and delicious recipe,
now a paper cut straight to the heart.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Drowning

I cannot breathe
I do not want to breathe
I am alone
and I can't bare the light

I avoid sleeping
because it is real
it is a normal routine
that if with you
I would be wonderful at

I have that song repeating
drowning me further down
but I can't shut it off
it draws me nearer

I cannot try normal
I don't know how
when you have left
this world to rest

I want rest
I want peace
I want you
to call my home

I don't want this stress
I don't want chaos
or worrying how I feel
or how others feel about me

I spent years in paranoia
found you to cure the weakness
and now have lost you
to sadness

Enough to make another person sad
for a lifetime
not knowing where to go
or how to love

You are gone
and honestly I can't handle
I told you I had to let go
but I still cannot

I remember crippling
in the arms of my sister
saying "I can't do this"
when you were here
and I was there

So how can I attempt
at this whirlwind life
when I get thrown more
atop what I couldn't accept
before you chose to end
this whirlwind life

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Towards Something.

The heart walks prominently out into the field, looking both ways into the abyss. With regret it nudges forward to the chaotic crowd chanting the correct route. It continues to scream destiny that lies in moving forward toward is change, towards letting go. It yells and yells until the heart starts to bleed. Atop the hill, just before it descends below towards the chaos and judging faces of a salty bleeding cheek, the heart turns around. It begins to walk with the breeze. The clouds carry forth the heart towards the cool sensation of peace. The heart is continuously pulled to something, to the answer. The heart awaits for the answer to shout out, "It's okay!" But the heart continues to wander, not knowing where to go or what to feel, because on any given day it could shed blood or bellow cheer. But with doubt, it does neither. So the heart is left to follow either direction, never within itself. The heart then bows to either side, and walks straight down the middle, disappearing after the valley becomes higher than the heart.

"All Around Me" on repeat

I avoid the sheets,
awaiting a thrill
but it never comes
for a desperate soul.

I bleed the absence
of your failed spirit
and yearn to rebuild
the ghost you've left.

I dwell on the past
for I cannot know
where your heart went
or where you rest.

I feel you here
but I doubt afterlife
since my faith drowned
with you in that car.

I don't believe much
I scare myself
I rarely get excited
and I sit and drink.

I want to believe
in the love you professed
during the last hours
but I still question you.

I go crazy over you
still in in love
possessing tension
continuously one-sided.

I cannot breathe
I feel you around me
questioning my doubt
disappointed at jealousy.

Like a reflex
I know you loved me
but I cannot force
my mind to forget.

I question my worth.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Support dies without knowledge

You spout his name as if
he still roams this earth,
as if our story is similar
to every other minute bond.

I suppose you cannot understand
this hole I have fallen through,
a place so foreign
for a fortunate soul.

But why must you compare?
We became magnets to our love
and addicted to the storms,
something unlike anything you know.

Our story is not fit for children,
it isn't what you're accustomed to,
it is a rare twist
with a man who didn't just want another.

A man so complicated,
"a child trapped in an adult's body,"
trapped to ties
that eventually unraveled his heart.

It came loose
as did his surroundings,
drowning to imagine finally finding
"something he actually wanted."

"Not knowing how to act,"
from a damaged view of a life
he never felt he deserved
until he fell in love.

A stubborn man so determined
that his idea of life beyond 25
would never happen
even if it meant pushing away
the one who could grant him
that very idea.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Both wounds still hurt

The woman runs mad through each room
picking up every dust particle
and hoping that one day this pain
will subside with that feeling of doom.

The woman asks a stranger for answers
hoping that it will ease the questions
and answer why he left in so many ways
without leaving a light or even a gaze.

The woman weighs out his mind
analyzing his problems into excuses
so the mistreatment of a damaged heart
is overseen and his actions are lucid.

The woman looks at happy snapshots
in order to remember the moments
where he made the world spin away
sending all chaos over the fence.

The woman has that song on repeat
to put her right back in that place,
two giddy smiles in one bed,
avoiding the inevitable of losing that chase.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Don't Know Anymore

I awoke today visualizing your hands,
escaped the well just in time
to get up out of bed.

And I cannot breathe,
the music attempts to serenade the tears
but I continue to bleed evermore.

I cannot speak to anyone,
every other person tries to console
but it is not you who thumbs the drops.

I cannot conduct conversations,
others leap in to save a soul
but no words cure this longing.

I cannot stray from those songs,
Upbeat is sporatic
but I crossover immediately after.

I cannot race up those stairs,
5 o'clock teases my thrill to be home
but I will never open the door again to see you.

I cannot rest on those pillows,
the lavender scent is straining to satisfy
but it is your scent I crave.

I cannot smile for tomorrow,
the sun carefully crafts a surprise
but my dreams of you never come true.

I cannot defeat this depression,
my therapist instructs to step away
but when I step away I fear you will be gone.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Fragile

I can't afford to be disappointed,
no answer
and I'm pulled through the cracks
of that sofa.

I can't afford to imagine what I don't know,
my hands clench the sides of my bed
and my pelvis spasms
to the shock of your physical deterioration.

I can't afford to listen to that song,
"When they ask me what pulled me through
I'll say it was you,"
the tears cannot keep up with the truth.

I can't afford to see your name,
'just look away'
and I can continue to step forward,
just missing the impact of a train.

I can't afford to think of your seasons of hair,
just waiting,
I shall wait forever to see the seasons pass
while the "world spins madly on."

I can't afford to see new pictures,
I then near the end,
the residue from your footprints
rises into air faster than my control.

I can't afford to see your face on that oval,
smell those dead flowers,
or read your devastating words,
so it remains tucked away in that drawer
where I keep the last chapter of your life.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I miss your desire to surprise me in my greasy black attire at 9:30pm on a weeknight with your duffelbag over your shoulder. On your black and yellow bullet you'd then briefly vacate two hours away at 4:30 the next morning and return the next night in a speed stream after 5.

You see, most people don't bleed during the minutes away from their love. Most individuals can wait an entire day. I remember driving up north on dark, unknown, windy roads at 10pm and having to leave 7 hours later. The time with you was just never enough. No matter what we were granted, on either of our clocks, I sat through each tick of a second, wondering where your head lay, where your feet roamed, whether our arms could intertwine just once more, just a million more.

"He passed away..." and I cannot breathe.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Stuck

I hate this world you left behind.
Nothing satisfies a lonely heart.
Your grin I cannot bare,
imprinted in my mind,
I remain wishful
that I will see it to my left.

I hate this unfulfillable addiction.
These body aches can never find you.
Yearning for someone under ground
is like trying to plow
towards the center of the earth.

I hate that my feet remain glued.
I cannot move if you remain on a photograph.
Further and further away,
time gradually is pulling me away
from the one love that changed my life.

I hate that my heart is not the leader.
Outside chaos without you has invaded my heart.
Lacking your carefree spirit in sight
has fueled my attempts
to seek it out until I'm in flight.

I hate that a sentence sends me fleeting.
The pressure boils to the surface.
And then I remember even during the storm
being tucked in with your arms
wrapped tightly around my tears.

I hate that I still reach for your shoulder.
I hate that I still say your name in playful banter.
I hate that I still mimic your mannerisms.
I hate that I still say "we".

But most of all
I hate that I never find that mole on your left shoulder.
I hate that I never hear you say my name or talk about the first time you heard "Kristin" and was intrigued.
I hate that I never can pause to stare at your wide open smile or joker playing out from your tattoo.
And among all things that I cannot change, I hate that we can never be "we" again.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Rain

Walking in the rain. Was simply one of the things you told me last. Hair drenched, drops forming at the nose, blending in with the salty water forming at the eyelids. I went for a jog that turned into a walk and suddenly realized that I was doing the same thing. Wondering if people driving by were thinking, 'Man that woman has to be crazy.' Well, am I? To suddenly realize that my feet couldn't move faster than my numb, cold fingers can against these keys. I must be.

"That was a good day," you said after recollecting that strom in The Dells from your rainy walk. How was it good I still wonder. Did you feel safe with me inside that car as trash cans almost hit your Olds? Did you enjoy feeling like a team when we were trying to decide what to do? Did you love holding me, teasing me from my nervous energy and smiling at my wide eyes? Did you like coming out of the storm and into the sun together? I did.

I just wish we could have came out of that last storm together.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Love

"And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart"

Once the wreckage vacates the bend,
the road appears clear
and the gold lines beat faster and faster
to an ever breathtaking path.

You can't look over at the shoulder
or pay attention to the lines anymore,
straight ahead is your heart
and at last you have found it.

Salty water drips down your cheeks
but dry from your pace;
they never hit the ground
to join your leaping feet.

The answer is clear now,
the clouds have parted
and nobody else exists.

How unbelievable it feels
to bask in the arms you've always wanted,
to follow your heart
when all outside chaos
binds it to logic.

How indescribable it was
to let you in again
that one fall evening
without any trailing thought.

I knew at that moment
there was no where else
I would rather be in the world
than back in your warm, thick arms,
looking above at the glistening sea
gazing back at me
with slow motion lips.

Just one song.
Just one moment.
Sends me right back.
Right back chasing for that bubble.
That bubble that you and I only know.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Untitled

I want to see you.

Can't I find you?

I want your voice.

Can't I hear 'I love you'?

I want to feel your chest.

Can't I fall asleep to your heart?

I cannot

Live the rest.

It's not my fault

The night is evil
playing in the dark
with one eye open
to the naive stranger
walking through the park

Unable to see
through the leaves
the toes walk
the treacherous land
approaching each tree
as a thief

Feeling the rough bark
I cautiously tend
to a living thing
for my body
is escaping life
with a cringe

This ground is dirty
and my toes feel the beads
like sand underneath the sun
but I awake to a moon
shining upon the blue soul
my mind has spun

Monday, February 15, 2010

Just you and me

What we both know
is that this love
is far from the ordinary

What we both know
is that it was always hard
to live without one another

What you knew
was that we could start again
that we could still have a family
that I was what you always wanted
that all I did was love you
that you wanted to talk again

What we both knew
was "I love you"

What we both know now
is that "There was this woman,
There was this man,
There was this moment
they had a chance."

You will always have my heart

This brick wall is killing my intentions to ever rebuild a relationship that bleeds within the walls of my heart. Most people get more chances than deserved to settle or tackle a love gone down in spirals. But I have the pleasure to sit and wonder. Though my heart was trampled upon, it still beats to find yours. Will it then survive from the lack of tempo your invisible body creates?

I tremble when I allow my mind to escape to a time when you returned. The times when your heart came back to mine on bended knee stole my breath and pierced slipping drops of heat down my cheeks. I was then capable to breathe calmly because you returned and were willing to tackle happiness; this was the greatest pleasure ever known. Gripping for that moment once again, my dreams resonate a decision of my own to go back to a love that overtook my soul. A love that brought out my inner being. A love that, among all the outside chaos, was the only thing that brought me back in towards peace.

My eyes wonder and my skins starts to wave. I remember your nervous hiccups and the words you tried to speak. After a lengthy, exposing letter I never thought I could be overtaken again. But you trembled as I cried for you to catch the tears. I remember the feeling to be at ease that no matter the noise, being with you was my choice, and you were there to hold me. You promised strength and support within those rigid lines of criticism. And that was all I needed; the choice to be in your arms was always easy. And it kills me that it is no longer a choice.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Blinded

The ornaments of today
match the streams
flowing through my veins.

Pumping with all its might,
my heart suffers through the strain
so I can witness the rain.

Drenched in other cries of smiles,
my skin projects a powder blue glow,
shaking to my solo cries of sorrow.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Do You Dare to Step Inside

I don't care as the bass
vibrates the tips of my toes,
below may be resting heads
however I am feeling the flow.

I don't care about the clock,
it ticks to 6 hours of sleep
but I can't close these lids anyways;
If only I could set that bed a blaze.

I don't care about my liquor throat,
the wine soothes my mind for now;
it keeps me from the will
to allow myself only a prison window sill.

I don't care about dreading my morning,
40 hours in one cell
will be 40 less hours to give in
to this spell.

I don't care about the noise,
when it comes down to me and the paper,
it is me and you I speak of,
no one else exists in this love.

But I do care about what they think,
I ponder that night
and let the guilt set in
by the closest enemy in sight.

I do care about my exhausted actions,
I let you fall to the final hour,
and said No to another call
whereas I'm left with no reclamation to recall.

I do care about our last words,
Though thankful of our I Love Yous,
I cringe to a promise
I now keep as an accomplice.

I do care that my stomach wants to protrude,
the very thought of you underneath ground
makes my lungs whimper
and my eyes search for something sound.

I do care that you hurt me by leaving,
many pieces of your heart chipped off along the way,
through the hurricanes I dried my heart each time,
ready and willing to again get swept away.

Your heart plead till its last drop,
but not in time to rejuvenate the dryness
I began to know
as my only glow.

Offbeat to the last second,
I bleed to know that timing was everything,
but I find no liquid left,
only a love that will never be put to rest.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Your face

I turn over to the passenger seat and I try to see the side of your grin. I turn over to your side of the bed and feel for the dent upon your pillow. I see familiar smiles and close my eyes to see your mouth wide open in between sighs of laughter. I see sea blue in a person's iris and I fall to pieces. I hate time and its evil ways of stretching the distance between me and you. The control was in our hands when you were walking this earth, I could rest at sea in your arms whenever I wanted. But now time uses its trickery to present me with an impossible situation. I can't bare for time to erase your phrases but I can't withstand the time that I sit through the seconds.

When I'm least expecting the sensation of your memory I hear people chanting a familiar phrase without even realizing the consequences of one word. Little do they know when they project that hyphenated word in a unison scream, my world is crumbling over in the corner, upon that sinking cushion, inside that disguise of a blouse, underneath the beating chest, and within that panicked heart.

I miss you now, and evermore, more than any feeling I have ever known.

Friday, February 5, 2010

You are here with me.

I still feel the shield.
Though your soft chest cannot
rest underneath my cheek,
I feel that it will "be ok."

The noise outside is overwhelming.
But when I think of your calmness,
your "don't worry" agenda,
I walk to my own beat.

The smooth thoughts run red.
Flickering the light switch,
I tip over from floating
and realize I am not ready.

The lonely heart of mine bleeds.
I know you are near,
I can't help the jolting pelvis
in the dim bed next to your pillow.

Every curve of the road smells like home.
But you are not making the turns;
you are not navigating a life
and that makes me crumble.

'Keep thinking of HIM' I say.
He would want me to get up,
and live my own life;
he would never accept much honor.

But who will break down the bricks?
When my mind blisters,
who will make some sense
out of the complicated mess?

Your mind was so simple,
yet had so many different paths.

I miss your complexity
upon mine.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Our Story

I just can't believe that you are gone. The distance between us has fluctuated often throughout our story, so how can I believe that "Hesper Forever" has already started? It just seems bizarre, you are still here. Among the wrestling children and during games that cause commotion, you are chanting loudly with your hands and sophistication that only arose as a coach.

I am so angry, why did you have to let me go only to chase me afterwords? I suppose it is the perfect replica of our story. But I loved it; I loved you, I still do. How do I yelp with anger or burn my cheeks with the drops you create even after you're gone? These emotions will stay within the walls of my chest, I hope to God that I will survive the pressure.

Kirk, you were simply who I had hoped for after years of sorrow and disappointment upon my midnight pillow. You picked me up when I least expected it, and your presence alone captured my devoted attention of true love. Though you broke my heart, and continue to crack it piece by piece, I surrender to a love that is worth all odds. I promise to not personify you as you are gone, you would only think that I were wrong in that case. I will only speak of you as I did when you were far or near, either way, I always hoped to feel your warmth make the miles; I always hoped for your heart to skip the rocks and make it to my basket. If only you could trust I would carry the fragile beat underneath your chest. Too many scars were my enemy; they were our enemy, our brick wall against love's possibilities. "There was this woman, there was this man. There was this moment they had a chance," I speak of your last words and cringe to a thought that sparked from a mind that I thought was withered and gone. I shatter and break to think your heart found me in the story's end. But what would I have done? What could I have done? How could I keep you in my arms? I tried once. I tried a hundred times. I failed.

You will always have my heart, you captured it when you drove the miles and lifted me towards the ceiling. You held it when I felt alone beside the lake and upon my pillow you closed the gap. You surrounded it with your excuse to wear heels and to find romance in every place possible. You drew it near you when you finally said "I love you Kristin, I always will." Now it remains in the hands of another; it remains underground. And now the story has closed.

PS Do you remember the song "The Night Will go as Follows."
-----I remember that blue light. Your red skin. The ice cubes. That fan in the window. That night of my keyboard and our first. That yellow bike. Your spontaneous trips. The love you finally found, the love I finally found.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My grip

The night is my enemy.
Trickling down my spine,
I whimper at life.

Just a zombie in a shell.
Wanting to die,
I write with tears in my eyes.

Sometimes I seek the pain.
Trying to believe its real,
I revisit our love.

The rollercoaster is all too much.
Thrown back down in a rut,
I resent this deal.

As a pair we gave and took it away.
Alone now without your heat,
I am really on my own.

The separation acted as a plan.
Never expecting a true end,
I am forever waiting.

So you see,
those elements of lasting love
and a dying soul
have the potential to fuel
guilt upon jolting sorrow.

Where I'm left with
a body flailing at sea,
flinching at the pelvic bone,
I suffer almost reaching you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Tortured Mind

'Just breathe,' I tell myself.
But I can't escape the hole
that I sink further into
while you are away.

'Don't listen to them,' I tell myself.
They don't know the story,
they could never envision the pain
or the happiness you created.

'He loved you,' I tell myself.
But I think of the brick wall,
the dark valleys where I tried to find you
but never could.

'Its not your fault,' I tell myself.
But what kind of person tries to sleep
when another can only imagine
sleeping forever.

'Your heart will beat again,' I tell myself.
But how do I mend these cracks
and live a life without the one
who holds my heart.

'He was in pain,' I tell myself.
But how do I sift through the anger
and find deep inside that love he professed
at his final moments.

'Sleeping is not important,' I tell myself.
But how do I function as a human
and walk these streets with a voice
or come alive if I get the chance.

'Love like that is gone,' I tell myself.
That shoulder of a pillow is gone.
That freedom of worries is gone.
The adventure of the unknown is gone.
That excitement to come home is gone.
That comfort to be in your eyes is gone.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

If only

Kirk,

Why can't you be here to hold my chin up? My eyes refuse to dry out. The drops shed light on a desert without water, yet I can't find any good reason why I am without you. All I want is to rest my palm upon your soft, hairy chest and feel at home. All I want is to know your breathing is existent underneath my fingertips. I want to sleep to the rythm of your breath. I want to chuckle from your invasive smile and I want to chase you down that hall in hopes that I will reach you; I will reach your heart and cuddle with the warmth you create in every laugh. I love you forever, I hope you know that just because my heart was broken and could not breathe and live for you evermore, that I did not love you with all my heart. You were my "one", you were the man I would dream about. Those eyes stood graciously at the end of that aisle. Those hands wrapped around my sorrows. That smile brought dances to my heart. But I just could not live every breath for you anymore; I was not strong enough to make you happy. Your happiness meant the world to me, but sooner or later I had to die because of it. I chose to live. You chose to die.

Kirk I miss you so much--only these somber, lonely nights can attest to the amount I feel. Some moments I feel as if I can't move on, but I know you would just call me stupid. You could never accept the gift in front of you. You wanted me to live, to be happy, to have someone who'd make me happy. But all I ever really wanted was you. I wanted you in my arms, your smile in my eyes, and your sigh upon my chest. If only I could hold you now, and ease the pain so you could live happy in my arms forever; if only I could feel your shield forever. If only I could have sustained the pain longer, I could have enjoyed your arms forever.

Destruction Reigns

Don't wanna come home to slurred conversations and built up lies. Don't wanna come home to your walk that ranges every meeting spot in the next mile. Don't wanna hear your voice slipping from word to word, proclaiming intelligence of another glass full of potent destruction. Don't wanna see you sway and miss your opportunity to profess love to an innocent stranger who needs affection. You are always gone, and its not your fault they say. You have only upkept jobs that have taken over your life. Still now, I cannot get your attention, your sober attention.

If only your laughs could be of sober, joyous occasions. If only at a time when my body lies in your realm, I could feel proud. If only we could share a talk without a drink.