Stuck

I hate this world you left behind.
Nothing satisfies a lonely heart.
Your grin I cannot bare,
imprinted in my mind,
I remain wishful
that I will see it to my left.

I hate this unfulfillable addiction.
These body aches can never find you.
Yearning for someone under ground
is like trying to plow
towards the center of the earth.

I hate that my feet remain glued.
I cannot move if you remain on a photograph.
Further and further away,
time gradually is pulling me away
from the one love that changed my life.

I hate that my heart is not the leader.
Outside chaos without you has invaded my heart.
Lacking your carefree spirit in sight
has fueled my attempts
to seek it out until I'm in flight.

I hate that a sentence sends me fleeting.
The pressure boils to the surface.
And then I remember even during the storm
being tucked in with your arms
wrapped tightly around my tears.

I hate that I still reach for your shoulder.
I hate that I still say your name in playful banter.
I hate that I still mimic your mannerisms.
I hate that I still say "we".

But most of all
I hate that I never find that mole on your left shoulder.
I hate that I never hear you say my name or talk about the first time you heard "Kristin" and was intrigued.
I hate that I never can pause to stare at your wide open smile or joker playing out from your tattoo.
And among all things that I cannot change, I hate that we can never be "we" again.