If only

Kirk,

Why can't you be here to hold my chin up? My eyes refuse to dry out. The drops shed light on a desert without water, yet I can't find any good reason why I am without you. All I want is to rest my palm upon your soft, hairy chest and feel at home. All I want is to know your breathing is existent underneath my fingertips. I want to sleep to the rythm of your breath. I want to chuckle from your invasive smile and I want to chase you down that hall in hopes that I will reach you; I will reach your heart and cuddle with the warmth you create in every laugh. I love you forever, I hope you know that just because my heart was broken and could not breathe and live for you evermore, that I did not love you with all my heart. You were my "one", you were the man I would dream about. Those eyes stood graciously at the end of that aisle. Those hands wrapped around my sorrows. That smile brought dances to my heart. But I just could not live every breath for you anymore; I was not strong enough to make you happy. Your happiness meant the world to me, but sooner or later I had to die because of it. I chose to live. You chose to die.

Kirk I miss you so much--only these somber, lonely nights can attest to the amount I feel. Some moments I feel as if I can't move on, but I know you would just call me stupid. You could never accept the gift in front of you. You wanted me to live, to be happy, to have someone who'd make me happy. But all I ever really wanted was you. I wanted you in my arms, your smile in my eyes, and your sigh upon my chest. If only I could hold you now, and ease the pain so you could live happy in my arms forever; if only I could feel your shield forever. If only I could have sustained the pain longer, I could have enjoyed your arms forever.