Remember those mornings in the dark?
When you would whisper "hey" with a grin,
bounce the bed
and kiss me goodbye once you saw my eyes.
Remember those nights with your backpack?
When you would gallop down the stairs,
glance at the TV with awe
and pick my feet off the floor for a hug.
Remember those drives in the Olds?
When we would talk about random,
sometimes heated topics,
and you would listen so carefully.
Remember those scandalous urges?
When you would just give me that look,
with a daring touch
and all the noises around silenced.
Remember those games of the past?
When you would thrill on a quiet night,
with a little competition
and you'd have to keep score to be precise.
Remember those songs we would share?
When you would ask for a title,
tell me I should download it
and instantly it'd be on repeat through the night.
Remember hiding those blue lights?
When you would find only light distracting,
not the fan in winter,
or even the continuous airwaves from the speakers.
Remember those sheets I would steal?
When you would shiver in the morning,
ask for more blanket
and nuzzle your nose against the back of my neck.
Remember that storm in the Dells?
When I feared the trash can,
you braved the roads
and we left before getting stuck in Wisconsin.
Remember those showers together?
When you would kiss me when I rinsed,
turn off the light
and peak back in with a smile.
Remember those chases in the hall?
When you would lead the way,
tickle me if I got close
and jump in the bed to wrestle and laugh.
Remember those midnight treats?
When you would serve me,
tease me with the plate
and get in to bed with a sigh of satisfaction.
Remember those "I love yous"?
When you would get my attention,
just look at me,
and smile to say "I love you."
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
The Villian
You punch down my motivation while I stumble for the light. Already bloody, you stretch my wounds to see the river below me turn a solid red. I swim because that is all I know how to do. But you aren't satisfied; you take a lighter and pierce the strands on my head to ignite a mind that is trying to calm down. Once a reasonable pressure, is now caving in on my soul. Cracking at each temple, my bones burst into pieces. Once a promising puzzle, is now shattered into a million spectacles that remain slivers of hope that once was.
Still slivers of light, there lies a man once in a dark corner. Light reveals a heart still unsatisfied as his head shakes to the ground. In between the hiccups of rain, he tries to smirk at another person's pain. But no longer can he see the prevailing pain, for it has now dissipated in the red river. A poor shame; a black heart can't witness another heart breaking. Instead the glimmering pieces unveil a hollow heart in his own chest.
Still slivers of light, there lies a man once in a dark corner. Light reveals a heart still unsatisfied as his head shakes to the ground. In between the hiccups of rain, he tries to smirk at another person's pain. But no longer can he see the prevailing pain, for it has now dissipated in the red river. A poor shame; a black heart can't witness another heart breaking. Instead the glimmering pieces unveil a hollow heart in his own chest.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
A Dream
The promenading doors unfold smiles,
like each piece of glitter in the sky,
the white glimmers for miles.
My foot anxiously steps forward,
erasing the distance from me to you-
the lace flows easily as I choose.
I choose you my one,
as those creases meet your cheekbones,
that smile spreads light through the stained glass
and into my heart sending warm chills that won't pass.
With my arm locked to safety,
I look to my left with ease
for this day will be a fresh breeze.
Finally I can breathe,
inhaling for a rush of peace-
my home is right down the aisle
in just one piece.
Fitting together,
we have dreamt about this day-
the yellow stripe down your leg,
the grin on the DJ,
a familiar face.
Children are dancing
to the beat you create,
with the sweat seeping through the tux,
your shirt gets untucked.
At our house nothing surrounds us
but the grass and quiet summer nights-
with a brilliant glow in sight,
others gaze in through the window
to stare at what is right.
One man is rolling around on the floor
with his children,
painful laughter sends them to rest-
as one woman smiles to the beat in her chest.
There was this woman,
lying next to this man-
with one palm on his chest,
she knew the rest.
like each piece of glitter in the sky,
the white glimmers for miles.
My foot anxiously steps forward,
erasing the distance from me to you-
the lace flows easily as I choose.
I choose you my one,
as those creases meet your cheekbones,
that smile spreads light through the stained glass
and into my heart sending warm chills that won't pass.
With my arm locked to safety,
I look to my left with ease
for this day will be a fresh breeze.
Finally I can breathe,
inhaling for a rush of peace-
my home is right down the aisle
in just one piece.
Fitting together,
we have dreamt about this day-
the yellow stripe down your leg,
the grin on the DJ,
a familiar face.
Children are dancing
to the beat you create,
with the sweat seeping through the tux,
your shirt gets untucked.
At our house nothing surrounds us
but the grass and quiet summer nights-
with a brilliant glow in sight,
others gaze in through the window
to stare at what is right.
One man is rolling around on the floor
with his children,
painful laughter sends them to rest-
as one woman smiles to the beat in her chest.
There was this woman,
lying next to this man-
with one palm on his chest,
she knew the rest.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wish I could tell you...and the list goes on
Big Jims is cupped in my palm.
Gary Allan is weaving through my ears.
"Decorah Wrestling" is on my upper thigh.
And I look for the sparkle in the sky.
"It's Great to Be a Hawkeye" was at a bar and on a license plate.
That milk top still rests in my car.
Will Ferrel and Vince Vaughn were gagging.
And I wait to hear you laughing.
"King" is for "Kirk" while playing Terets.
Sweet mustaches are everywhere.
The songs "Notion" and "The Fixer" would be on repeat.
And I see you at the computer singing with a treat.
The nickname Hero is still on Hearts.
The second Flight of the Conchords released.
At work I shared an earbud.
And I feel your temple next to mine thud.
Went to Carl's Place and pictured the TP dress.
Somebody had uneven headphones too.
My mom made sugary sweet potatoes.
And I hear you chomping and saying its gross.
I scrub with the Irish Spring.
My co-worker has eczema.
Metcalf saved the Iowa vs Iowa State meet.
And I see you alternating and bouncing on your feet.
Gary Allan is weaving through my ears.
"Decorah Wrestling" is on my upper thigh.
And I look for the sparkle in the sky.
"It's Great to Be a Hawkeye" was at a bar and on a license plate.
That milk top still rests in my car.
Will Ferrel and Vince Vaughn were gagging.
And I wait to hear you laughing.
"King" is for "Kirk" while playing Terets.
Sweet mustaches are everywhere.
The songs "Notion" and "The Fixer" would be on repeat.
And I see you at the computer singing with a treat.
The nickname Hero is still on Hearts.
The second Flight of the Conchords released.
At work I shared an earbud.
And I feel your temple next to mine thud.
Went to Carl's Place and pictured the TP dress.
Somebody had uneven headphones too.
My mom made sugary sweet potatoes.
And I hear you chomping and saying its gross.
I scrub with the Irish Spring.
My co-worker has eczema.
Metcalf saved the Iowa vs Iowa State meet.
And I see you alternating and bouncing on your feet.
My mind won't stop
My heart is heavy,
carrying my eyes through the night
I bleed while trying to fight.
My lungs are charred,
burning from chasing breath
I get no time to rest.
My stomach is dizzy,
churning guilt into acid
I can't digest this facet.
My bones are hollow,
breaking slivers with each movement
I fall in an instant.
My back aches,
slumping through each slumber
I wish it were summer.
My memories flood,
trickling down my cheeks
I search for your warmth to make me complete.
carrying my eyes through the night
I bleed while trying to fight.
My lungs are charred,
burning from chasing breath
I get no time to rest.
My stomach is dizzy,
churning guilt into acid
I can't digest this facet.
My bones are hollow,
breaking slivers with each movement
I fall in an instant.
My back aches,
slumping through each slumber
I wish it were summer.
My memories flood,
trickling down my cheeks
I search for your warmth to make me complete.
You're not really gone
My mind chooses not to register
what has blatantly unfolded
during these last chapters
of a story so jaded.
That black and gold circle
has hushed their chant,
looking somberly towards the ground
I think resting place
and I start to pant.
That mat is lonely
without your familiar loud tone,
two figures wade back and forth
to make a strike,
those eyes piercing steadily,
and I think of a silent team
while feeling faint.
The veins in my hands pop,
sweaty, swollen fingertips
by my sides,
but that hand felt so cold to my lips,
making my stomach spin.
The Hawkeyes reign in our eyes,
bellowing the Fight song,
but piercing my ears
from the loneliest walk down that aisle,
I run in circles
leaving no time to think.
Because I can't think about
how love wasn't enough
or the call of a voice depleting
or the jolting faces upon family
or the hood as a shield
or that collective smell
or "There was this woman"
or Hesper Forever starting now.
I do love you--
I hope you knew,
I hope you can see,
I hope your heart healed.
what has blatantly unfolded
during these last chapters
of a story so jaded.
That black and gold circle
has hushed their chant,
looking somberly towards the ground
I think resting place
and I start to pant.
That mat is lonely
without your familiar loud tone,
two figures wade back and forth
to make a strike,
those eyes piercing steadily,
and I think of a silent team
while feeling faint.
The veins in my hands pop,
sweaty, swollen fingertips
by my sides,
but that hand felt so cold to my lips,
making my stomach spin.
The Hawkeyes reign in our eyes,
bellowing the Fight song,
but piercing my ears
from the loneliest walk down that aisle,
I run in circles
leaving no time to think.
Because I can't think about
how love wasn't enough
or the call of a voice depleting
or the jolting faces upon family
or the hood as a shield
or that collective smell
or "There was this woman"
or Hesper Forever starting now.
I do love you--
I hope you knew,
I hope you can see,
I hope your heart healed.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sleeping
I won't allow my cheek to hit the pillow,
until then I can take comfort
in liquid to help lower my eyelids.
If my head lays to rest,
your jaw is not there
resting on my forehead.
If I see darkness,
our own lullabies
are silent.
If I hear that fan,
your bangs are
no longer moving.
If I cup that pillow,
your soft chest
isn't beneath my palm.
If I find that narrow pillow,
you didn't snag your favorite.
If my knee meets my chest,
it isn't gripping your thigh.
If I lay still,
your twitching isn't keeping me awake.
My body still finds no rest
in your absence.
until then I can take comfort
in liquid to help lower my eyelids.
If my head lays to rest,
your jaw is not there
resting on my forehead.
If I see darkness,
our own lullabies
are silent.
If I hear that fan,
your bangs are
no longer moving.
If I cup that pillow,
your soft chest
isn't beneath my palm.
If I find that narrow pillow,
you didn't snag your favorite.
If my knee meets my chest,
it isn't gripping your thigh.
If I lay still,
your twitching isn't keeping me awake.
My body still finds no rest
in your absence.
Tracing Back
This muddy river is beginning to seep into my nostrils. Wading along the current, I continue to float uncomfortably. I don't enjoy this murky water or the taste of dirt trickling down my throat, but I always end up allowing the ripples to take me on down.
This blood stream is beginning to eat away at my skin. Velvet red upon my ivory flesh is starting to put fear into my pupils. Bubbling at the surface upon my forearms, the pain pricks the hairs but never makes it to my chest. My heart is safe in the warmth you cast.
This gray lake is beginning to drown me in its vast darkness. The liquid appears clear up close, bouncing up and down my body. But once I look to find my feet, I can only sense them kicking.
This clear replenishment is beginning to take over my once boiling veins. Splashing into the humidity of my past, the droplets left a refreshing residue. Finally I found peace in your overtaking, gentle waves. Letting them flush the rocks, I basked in the hushing sounds of your waves that you created with your touch. Lifting my heavy soul with those cool blue eyes, I was lighter than a boat. Sailing within your waves, I felt home.
This blood stream is beginning to eat away at my skin. Velvet red upon my ivory flesh is starting to put fear into my pupils. Bubbling at the surface upon my forearms, the pain pricks the hairs but never makes it to my chest. My heart is safe in the warmth you cast.
This gray lake is beginning to drown me in its vast darkness. The liquid appears clear up close, bouncing up and down my body. But once I look to find my feet, I can only sense them kicking.
This clear replenishment is beginning to take over my once boiling veins. Splashing into the humidity of my past, the droplets left a refreshing residue. Finally I found peace in your overtaking, gentle waves. Letting them flush the rocks, I basked in the hushing sounds of your waves that you created with your touch. Lifting my heavy soul with those cool blue eyes, I was lighter than a boat. Sailing within your waves, I felt home.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Keep Breathing
I thought the world stopped when mine stopped. Apparently everyone is not aware of how little it could take for me to slip. The cliff is right at my toe nails but people still occasionally like to see the pebbles fall beneath me. "Whoa" they say, that was close. But I still make it; thus far the burning inside has not ended me in engulfing flames. I may waver back and forth over the million miles of air below me, but I seem to stay on ground somehow. But sometimes I don't even want the ground at my toes, the boiling blood beneath my skin is too hot to let settle. I just want to jump. And let the cool breeze of rapid air send blue waves through my blood stream. I want the air to brush away that hair and feel the fresh invisible blanket upon my face. If only it were so simple.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Sleeping is not sleeping without you
I don't want to go to bed, because I fear you will not be there. That "skinny" pillow you once rested your head upon does not suffice. Sure, I can pretend that the soft, plump corner is your shoulder, but will it lift up and down? How can I sleep knowing that you are not breathing next to me?
Up and down, up and down your soft, "hairy" chest would beat. Your eyelids looked so calm as the fan air brushed your bangs away. Incomparible to the rest of your body, your legs refused to lay still, "RLS" you claimed as your disorder. My head nuzzled upon the divot between your shoulder and your chest, with my hand upon your stomach, tempted to tickle you knowing I would hear that giggle and a "stop" with a big grin. The sheet between the wind from my mouth upon your skin was too much of a separation you called for; my leg wrapped around yours, my foot resting upon your "bony shin".
If I adjusted to the other side of the bed, you would nuzzle your mouth upon the back of my shoulder; you would reach between the distance with great grip, gasp, and sigh of relief; your hands were around something "safe," you once said.
So what do I do now when I toss and turn, trying either direction for your skin and naturally "radiating body heat"? Do I keep searching for something I will not find? Or will you grace me with your likes to "cuddle"?
Up and down, up and down your soft, "hairy" chest would beat. Your eyelids looked so calm as the fan air brushed your bangs away. Incomparible to the rest of your body, your legs refused to lay still, "RLS" you claimed as your disorder. My head nuzzled upon the divot between your shoulder and your chest, with my hand upon your stomach, tempted to tickle you knowing I would hear that giggle and a "stop" with a big grin. The sheet between the wind from my mouth upon your skin was too much of a separation you called for; my leg wrapped around yours, my foot resting upon your "bony shin".
If I adjusted to the other side of the bed, you would nuzzle your mouth upon the back of my shoulder; you would reach between the distance with great grip, gasp, and sigh of relief; your hands were around something "safe," you once said.
So what do I do now when I toss and turn, trying either direction for your skin and naturally "radiating body heat"? Do I keep searching for something I will not find? Or will you grace me with your likes to "cuddle"?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I will acknowledge this day.
I know you were with me tonight. You, the only person in this world knows how I get that tingling feeling in my cheeks. Couldn't help but know you were there when my one cheek started feeling funny as I lifted those weights.
Last night I remember your presence in my dreams. We were at our apartment in North Liberty, your lap as my pillow. You mentioned your sadness over seeing me sad. I can't help but feel sad my love--this sadness will continue while you are unreachable through the clouds.
No matter where we were in our path, I wouldn't have ever been able to let you go. You were my one, and now you are gone. These feelings for you never drifted away. They are still here, hoping you will visit me another day.
----12:16am 10/28/09
Last night I remember your presence in my dreams. We were at our apartment in North Liberty, your lap as my pillow. You mentioned your sadness over seeing me sad. I can't help but feel sad my love--this sadness will continue while you are unreachable through the clouds.
No matter where we were in our path, I wouldn't have ever been able to let you go. You were my one, and now you are gone. These feelings for you never drifted away. They are still here, hoping you will visit me another day.
----12:16am 10/28/09
Monday, October 26, 2009
"Baby I Got You"
Listening to Breaking Benjamin's new album is painful, yet it medicates my loneliness. You are there in their bellowing sound; man how you loved it when he ripped out that sound. I see true love 10 minutes away around my sister and brother-in-law, and everywhere else; I wish you were here for me to love. I did love you like the sand yearns for the waves; I still love you more than you ever imagined or wanted to believe.
Seeing your lips quiver and those eyes flood traumatized my heart. I can't go on in this world knowing I couldn't stop the water and cool those temples. I lived to cradle your sadness, and I held the pain as long as I could. But now, after I lost all strength, I wish I would have cupped those tears longer; I wish I could have been stronger to withstand the rain so your heart could have felt safe and dry just one more day.
Seeing your lips quiver and those eyes flood traumatized my heart. I can't go on in this world knowing I couldn't stop the water and cool those temples. I lived to cradle your sadness, and I held the pain as long as I could. But now, after I lost all strength, I wish I would have cupped those tears longer; I wish I could have been stronger to withstand the rain so your heart could have felt safe and dry just one more day.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
10-28
The day you wished not to recognize is creeping ever so closely. That same day would have surpassed your expectations, your dreams. 26 you would be on that day. 1 year older than you ever imagined. I still see you living and breathing, making that day what it is. Simple and true, it will be a day I honor you. Every day is a day for you, but that day I will make it spontaneous and remarkable; more than you ever expected on a day of your birth. It is all for you; I love you, and will until my last breath.
Why did you have to leave
You have my heart
in the blanket of your palms,
galloping through the clouds,
you carry it gently in your warmth.
My heart basks in the joy
you cup in the wrinkles
worn in the creases
that make skin so delicate.
Safe my heart feels,
in those hands I feel home,
I feel as though I can get through this,
I think I can muster courage to not see those eyes.
However I don't want to never see your face again,
I wish I could gaze upon those cheek bones,
upon those plump lips and sea blue eyes,
I just wish for one last time.
But I had you in my arms,
I had your voice through the lines,
and I lost you completely--
I can't bare the loss of love.
I can't walk these lands
without the love I couldn't live without.
in the blanket of your palms,
galloping through the clouds,
you carry it gently in your warmth.
My heart basks in the joy
you cup in the wrinkles
worn in the creases
that make skin so delicate.
Safe my heart feels,
in those hands I feel home,
I feel as though I can get through this,
I think I can muster courage to not see those eyes.
However I don't want to never see your face again,
I wish I could gaze upon those cheek bones,
upon those plump lips and sea blue eyes,
I just wish for one last time.
But I had you in my arms,
I had your voice through the lines,
and I lost you completely--
I can't bare the loss of love.
I can't walk these lands
without the love I couldn't live without.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
This numbness is unbearable.
I walk around in your sweatpants; I like to borrow your favorite sweats. Your ritual Hawkeye pumpkin is on my cell phone wallpaper; you will carve it once again this year. Jackie Moon is my costume; you will laugh when you see it. I turn to your favorite shows, this way I will get to hear that laugh. I put your tunes on the list, just waiting for you to belt out the melodies. We are on my computer monitor; your smiling face looks into my eyes everyday. I venture to the kitchen in the AM; we need to satisfy that midnight craving. I sleep with your beloved sweatshirt; nuzzled to the cotton, I await for it to smell like you. I sleep in late, I don't want to wake you. That other pillow is cemented next to mine; your shoulder is still the softest pillow I know. I rest these eyes; your lips will graze mine through the air I breathe.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
We'll Always Have that Island
A million shadows have cast upon me,
pacing back and forth in the dark,
I keep following those sea blue eyes.
I need that rough hand to calm these nerves,
brushing each drop off of my cheek,
you cool the blush like waves upon sand.
I feel the ambiance from that shelf,
intertwined love bellows happy times
in which I was in your arms underneath that smile.
Yearning for the scent from your t-shirt,
my hands on the muscle of your back,
yours around my waist in anticipation to lift me.
If only I could gaze at your face,
slow down time with a silent stare,
I would not rush you away.
If only I could have kept you in my arms,
a safe place you once spoke of,
we would be happy like we once were
on that island we kept hidden away.
pacing back and forth in the dark,
I keep following those sea blue eyes.
I need that rough hand to calm these nerves,
brushing each drop off of my cheek,
you cool the blush like waves upon sand.
I feel the ambiance from that shelf,
intertwined love bellows happy times
in which I was in your arms underneath that smile.
Yearning for the scent from your t-shirt,
my hands on the muscle of your back,
yours around my waist in anticipation to lift me.
If only I could gaze at your face,
slow down time with a silent stare,
I would not rush you away.
If only I could have kept you in my arms,
a safe place you once spoke of,
we would be happy like we once were
on that island we kept hidden away.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
This sickness
Last night my bones were cracking and I couldn't stop moaning. I tried to rest, closed my eyelids, and there were your eyes engraved in the darkness. A tear rolled down my cheek and I couldn't stop wishing you were here.
You are still here while I am sick.
You are getting up every five minutes from the bed to get something out of the kitchen. You are instructing me to drink OJ. You are making toast. You rent movies. You throw up the covers to adjust it perfectly on me. You give me a back massage and tell me to relax. You curl up beside me to rub your hand on my belly, a treasure you always gave me when I was feeling ill.
Going round and round the ring. With pressure you go one way, spreading heat with your palm. Going the other way, your trimmed nails graze across my peach fuzz. You tease me in going lower, and we giggle. Your fingers reach the bra wire and back down to my belly button. Round and round, up and down, those strong, thick, yet short fingers give my illness comfort. After a while you ask if its better, I nod with satisfaction and you give my belly a kiss.
For a man who allotted himself 2 Tylenol per year and gallons of orange juice with no doctor visits, he knew exactly what to do to make me feel better.
You are still here while I am sick.
You are getting up every five minutes from the bed to get something out of the kitchen. You are instructing me to drink OJ. You are making toast. You rent movies. You throw up the covers to adjust it perfectly on me. You give me a back massage and tell me to relax. You curl up beside me to rub your hand on my belly, a treasure you always gave me when I was feeling ill.
Going round and round the ring. With pressure you go one way, spreading heat with your palm. Going the other way, your trimmed nails graze across my peach fuzz. You tease me in going lower, and we giggle. Your fingers reach the bra wire and back down to my belly button. Round and round, up and down, those strong, thick, yet short fingers give my illness comfort. After a while you ask if its better, I nod with satisfaction and you give my belly a kiss.
For a man who allotted himself 2 Tylenol per year and gallons of orange juice with no doctor visits, he knew exactly what to do to make me feel better.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I rest with your hoodie
His smile is my guardian through the night. I look over at that vast pillow, picture his resting head, and just wish some more. Why couldn't he stay? Why couldn't he stay in my arms? I would have lifted the world above his shoulders if I could. But I couldn't.
I just want to stare at his smiling face. I want to study every curve. I want to be there again, there in that bed stroking his freshly shaved head while he slept in a strange slumber.
I remember how you weren't there, how you were a shell. I remember sitting there, rubbing your temple while you opened your eyes briefly every so often. Without any words, you let me sit there and rest with you without question.
I remember the tears, but I don't want to. The last time I saw you, I studied the side of your face. I remember telling you to look at me. I remember those glistened eyes. And I hurt. I remember that vein in your head, while you spoke. I remember holding onto your shoulder, resting my lips onto your shirt like I knew it was the last time. I remember the bow, and a "Good luck." You then turned around and walked away.
"I love you Kristin, I always will," you later said. I will always remember those words, I will always remember that quote you gave me. "There was this woman," you repeated, "There was this woman, there was this man," and you were gone.
I just want to stare at his smiling face. I want to study every curve. I want to be there again, there in that bed stroking his freshly shaved head while he slept in a strange slumber.
I remember how you weren't there, how you were a shell. I remember sitting there, rubbing your temple while you opened your eyes briefly every so often. Without any words, you let me sit there and rest with you without question.
I remember the tears, but I don't want to. The last time I saw you, I studied the side of your face. I remember telling you to look at me. I remember those glistened eyes. And I hurt. I remember that vein in your head, while you spoke. I remember holding onto your shoulder, resting my lips onto your shirt like I knew it was the last time. I remember the bow, and a "Good luck." You then turned around and walked away.
"I love you Kristin, I always will," you later said. I will always remember those words, I will always remember that quote you gave me. "There was this woman," you repeated, "There was this woman, there was this man," and you were gone.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Blue
My zombie body is beginning to tare,
just a shell walking around,
I wonder if anybody is noticing
my empty stare.
My smile is a rare occasion,
contrary to my past,
my lips sink to the floor
without any realization.
My eyes radiate redness,
diminishing at the creases,
my pupils are drowning
yet remain restless.
My shoulders have no muscle,
hunched over without power,
my stance is traveling
like a lost vessel.
My mind is crowded with thoughts,
overwhelmed beyond belief,
my actions are consistently drunk,
while having no room in my mind
to realize that I have sunk.
just a shell walking around,
I wonder if anybody is noticing
my empty stare.
My smile is a rare occasion,
contrary to my past,
my lips sink to the floor
without any realization.
My eyes radiate redness,
diminishing at the creases,
my pupils are drowning
yet remain restless.
My shoulders have no muscle,
hunched over without power,
my stance is traveling
like a lost vessel.
My mind is crowded with thoughts,
overwhelmed beyond belief,
my actions are consistently drunk,
while having no room in my mind
to realize that I have sunk.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Loving Music More
I loved the music coming through those earbuds we shared.
Touching head to head,
laying in the back of that noisy Explorer;
time was calm.
I loved the music you sang to me, your only audience.
belting it out in the car,
moving your lips while we danced;
I was giddy happy.
I loved the blaring music in the shower.
Swinging those hips,
showing me your dance moves;
you were full of surprises.
I loved the music we teamed up in research.
Exchanging titles back and forth,
playing each tune on repeat;
two music minds.
I loved the music we fell asleep to.
Listening through the night,
blocking that blue speaker light;
the night was peaceful.
I love those cds with your handwriting,
I love those cds from your playlists,
I love that ticket stub to your first concert,
I love those bands I acquired from you,
I love music after you.
Touching head to head,
laying in the back of that noisy Explorer;
time was calm.
I loved the music you sang to me, your only audience.
belting it out in the car,
moving your lips while we danced;
I was giddy happy.
I loved the blaring music in the shower.
Swinging those hips,
showing me your dance moves;
you were full of surprises.
I loved the music we teamed up in research.
Exchanging titles back and forth,
playing each tune on repeat;
two music minds.
I loved the music we fell asleep to.
Listening through the night,
blocking that blue speaker light;
the night was peaceful.
I love those cds with your handwriting,
I love those cds from your playlists,
I love that ticket stub to your first concert,
I love those bands I acquired from you,
I love music after you.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My senses aren't enough
That fan is chipping away at my heart. It sits there conducting its purpose, but it has no knowledge of its capability. It has successfully brought fire to my cheeks and puddles to my pillow case. The simple hush, lullaby sound and the cool breeze sends me backwards into those nights with your breath, in, and out. Those eyes shut and calm, putting up bricks against the storm. You lay there so peacefully, like sleep is pure joy. That fan sat there, oblivious to its helping hand. For a man who secretly boiled beneath the skin, the cool brush of air, pushing back every strand, made his soul into swift, rocking waves. Back and forth, back and forth, he slept. And now that fan attempts to cool my restless sleep. Brushing away the bangs, hushing the creeks of the house, but never getting close to the calmness of your presence.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I love that country song
Swinging underneath that lit tent,
your hands tapping around my waist
and mine gripping your shoulders,
our bodies can't get close enough.
I sink into your skin,
warm and sweaty--
your feet were busy during that last song,
laughing eye-level with the children.
But I get you during this beat--
that slow tempo guides our turns,
my lips touch your collar,
my nose senses home.
Our chests collide,
our lips collide,
and our hearts
continue to dance.
My forehead rests on yours,
I motion back to get a good look
at those eyes,
that mouth singing along.
I sing along with you,
and in that moment,
smiling at us swaying,
I never want the song to fade.
If only I knew--
I would have put that song on repeat
so we could be happy forever,
weaved together forever.
your hands tapping around my waist
and mine gripping your shoulders,
our bodies can't get close enough.
I sink into your skin,
warm and sweaty--
your feet were busy during that last song,
laughing eye-level with the children.
But I get you during this beat--
that slow tempo guides our turns,
my lips touch your collar,
my nose senses home.
Our chests collide,
our lips collide,
and our hearts
continue to dance.
My forehead rests on yours,
I motion back to get a good look
at those eyes,
that mouth singing along.
I sing along with you,
and in that moment,
smiling at us swaying,
I never want the song to fade.
If only I knew--
I would have put that song on repeat
so we could be happy forever,
weaved together forever.
Red on Red
My heart is bleeding to the sight of anger,
it can only shrivel up in the cold--
for its warmth is rigidly boxed up.
This damp hole is no stranger,
it is calling my name--
for familiarity is most comfortable.
Yet my heart scrambles at the dirt,
climbing for a rope in hopes you drop--
for denial is my drive.
it can only shrivel up in the cold--
for its warmth is rigidly boxed up.
This damp hole is no stranger,
it is calling my name--
for familiarity is most comfortable.
Yet my heart scrambles at the dirt,
climbing for a rope in hopes you drop--
for denial is my drive.
Monday, September 28, 2009
47 days have passed...
"By your side" was playing in my ears, my feet were rapidly hitting the concrete, and my sunglasses continued to hide what could arrive. My breath started to wheeze and I sat in the tree's shade. As the wind picked up and the water started to ripple, the water streamed down my cheek. And the pain grew. When will I be able to cry and not think about your thick, rough, yet gentle hands wiping those tears away? I remember even during the worst of times, those arms had to engulf my sadness; you couldn't bare to be a bystander to my tears.
My hands will have to cup those tears. But who is going to lift my body in the air for a great hug? Who is going to peak out from underneath the covers? Who is going to chase me down the hall and jump into bed? Who is going to sing and dance with me in the shower? Who will kiss me when I least expect it? Who will thrive on random, adventurous trips with me? Who will love my friends enough to wear their heels in order to relieve them of discomfort or drive them all around town at all hours? Who will drive through tornadoes for me? Who will give up a great concert or party in order to sit with me when I'm feeling ill or sad? Who will listen to me while I recite my poetry or play the piano? Who will be the happiest when I am happy?
Though our journey was a whirlwind of emotions going through the rolling hills, the peaks were worth the valleys. That is what love does. Love takes over you, love makes you compromise, love makes you withstand the fire, love makes you want to be a better person. Love makes you take thrilling, scary turns. And I do love you.
I remember driving two and a half hours at 9 o'clock at night in order to see that smile and sleep in those arms for a measly 8 hours. And all those times you would drive 2 hours one-way on a week night. I remember getting locked out of your aunts house in Wisconsin, resorting to board games in your car, a porch swing, and a hammock for enjoyment; I was more than satisfied. Remember our random trip to Madison after the Dells in the winter was a bust? I remember the trips to Gary's--gosh they loved it when we came...I miss that. I remember sitting in their hot tub in the cold, looking at all the trees, what a view from there...with you. Remember our sweaty wedding entrance? I remember all those board games we used to play, Life, The Office, Scene it, and the list goes on. I remember when you surprised me at work in my gross Bennigan's attire after you got back from your cruise. I remember how you hugged my mother and my sister. Remember when you came for Mother's Day to Mapleton, how you stood patiently listening to my Grandpa telling war stories by his plane. I remember our talks. I remember how we could talk for hours, no car trips were quiet. Washington was indescribable. I remember when you'd wait on me when we'd have our midnight cravings. Remember downloading music together--or when you'd say "hey you should download that song," like it was hard to do. I remember how attentive you were with laundry, how you color-coded your shirts. Remember when you took me around to some of the places you helped do landscaping for, you were so proud. I remember the lake, you being so great with Reilly, which wasn't a surprise; you were always mesmerizing to watch when with kids. I remember how you always had to make a special entrance into the water. I remember those ringtones, that for a guy, would surprise anyone. I remember all that knowledge of facts that you would claim was useless, but who else would know the only wrestler from the University of Wyoming to receive a NCAA championship at 167 pounds?
Unfortunately, as many hills as we had, I believe my mind thinks this is just another rocky bottom.
That pillow I grasp for in the middle of the night will have to be my comfort. I miss your twitching feet that got me to sleep. I miss that mole on your left shoulder. And I miss that divot of your shoulder that gave my head comfort while I slept. I miss all those freckles you had around that one knee, how it made you laugh. I miss how cold and clammy your feet got, how painful your bony shins were. I miss those plump lips you disliked. I miss that nightlight from the softball diamond.
The memories trickle in every day...I like to think you are in a better place; that the pain doesn't haunt you anymore. And I like to think you will still give all of us surprises that make us smile. When I was coming to see you for the first time after the funeral, I couldn't help but think of your crazy deer stories when the only deer I spotted was running in the ditch along with me while I was driving.
If you could only see how those Hawks are doing...
Those leaves are starting to blow around, and the cold air can only remind me of you. I promise I will make the best of Halloween Kirk. You will be proud of my costume...
My hands will have to cup those tears. But who is going to lift my body in the air for a great hug? Who is going to peak out from underneath the covers? Who is going to chase me down the hall and jump into bed? Who is going to sing and dance with me in the shower? Who will kiss me when I least expect it? Who will thrive on random, adventurous trips with me? Who will love my friends enough to wear their heels in order to relieve them of discomfort or drive them all around town at all hours? Who will drive through tornadoes for me? Who will give up a great concert or party in order to sit with me when I'm feeling ill or sad? Who will listen to me while I recite my poetry or play the piano? Who will be the happiest when I am happy?
Though our journey was a whirlwind of emotions going through the rolling hills, the peaks were worth the valleys. That is what love does. Love takes over you, love makes you compromise, love makes you withstand the fire, love makes you want to be a better person. Love makes you take thrilling, scary turns. And I do love you.
I remember driving two and a half hours at 9 o'clock at night in order to see that smile and sleep in those arms for a measly 8 hours. And all those times you would drive 2 hours one-way on a week night. I remember getting locked out of your aunts house in Wisconsin, resorting to board games in your car, a porch swing, and a hammock for enjoyment; I was more than satisfied. Remember our random trip to Madison after the Dells in the winter was a bust? I remember the trips to Gary's--gosh they loved it when we came...I miss that. I remember sitting in their hot tub in the cold, looking at all the trees, what a view from there...with you. Remember our sweaty wedding entrance? I remember all those board games we used to play, Life, The Office, Scene it, and the list goes on. I remember when you surprised me at work in my gross Bennigan's attire after you got back from your cruise. I remember how you hugged my mother and my sister. Remember when you came for Mother's Day to Mapleton, how you stood patiently listening to my Grandpa telling war stories by his plane. I remember our talks. I remember how we could talk for hours, no car trips were quiet. Washington was indescribable. I remember when you'd wait on me when we'd have our midnight cravings. Remember downloading music together--or when you'd say "hey you should download that song," like it was hard to do. I remember how attentive you were with laundry, how you color-coded your shirts. Remember when you took me around to some of the places you helped do landscaping for, you were so proud. I remember the lake, you being so great with Reilly, which wasn't a surprise; you were always mesmerizing to watch when with kids. I remember how you always had to make a special entrance into the water. I remember those ringtones, that for a guy, would surprise anyone. I remember all that knowledge of facts that you would claim was useless, but who else would know the only wrestler from the University of Wyoming to receive a NCAA championship at 167 pounds?
Unfortunately, as many hills as we had, I believe my mind thinks this is just another rocky bottom.
That pillow I grasp for in the middle of the night will have to be my comfort. I miss your twitching feet that got me to sleep. I miss that mole on your left shoulder. And I miss that divot of your shoulder that gave my head comfort while I slept. I miss all those freckles you had around that one knee, how it made you laugh. I miss how cold and clammy your feet got, how painful your bony shins were. I miss those plump lips you disliked. I miss that nightlight from the softball diamond.
The memories trickle in every day...I like to think you are in a better place; that the pain doesn't haunt you anymore. And I like to think you will still give all of us surprises that make us smile. When I was coming to see you for the first time after the funeral, I couldn't help but think of your crazy deer stories when the only deer I spotted was running in the ditch along with me while I was driving.
If you could only see how those Hawks are doing...
Those leaves are starting to blow around, and the cold air can only remind me of you. I promise I will make the best of Halloween Kirk. You will be proud of my costume...
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