"By your side" was playing in my ears, my feet were rapidly hitting the concrete, and my sunglasses continued to hide what could arrive. My breath started to wheeze and I sat in the tree's shade. As the wind picked up and the water started to ripple, the water streamed down my cheek. And the pain grew. When will I be able to cry and not think about your thick, rough, yet gentle hands wiping those tears away? I remember even during the worst of times, those arms had to engulf my sadness; you couldn't bare to be a bystander to my tears.
My hands will have to cup those tears. But who is going to lift my body in the air for a great hug? Who is going to peak out from underneath the covers? Who is going to chase me down the hall and jump into bed? Who is going to sing and dance with me in the shower? Who will kiss me when I least expect it? Who will thrive on random, adventurous trips with me? Who will love my friends enough to wear their heels in order to relieve them of discomfort or drive them all around town at all hours? Who will drive through tornadoes for me? Who will give up a great concert or party in order to sit with me when I'm feeling ill or sad? Who will listen to me while I recite my poetry or play the piano? Who will be the happiest when I am happy?
Though our journey was a whirlwind of emotions going through the rolling hills, the peaks were worth the valleys. That is what love does. Love takes over you, love makes you compromise, love makes you withstand the fire, love makes you want to be a better person. Love makes you take thrilling, scary turns. And I do love you.
I remember driving two and a half hours at 9 o'clock at night in order to see that smile and sleep in those arms for a measly 8 hours. And all those times you would drive 2 hours one-way on a week night. I remember getting locked out of your aunts house in Wisconsin, resorting to board games in your car, a porch swing, and a hammock for enjoyment; I was more than satisfied. Remember our random trip to Madison after the Dells in the winter was a bust? I remember the trips to Gary's--gosh they loved it when we came...I miss that. I remember sitting in their hot tub in the cold, looking at all the trees, what a view from there...with you. Remember our sweaty wedding entrance? I remember all those board games we used to play, Life, The Office, Scene it, and the list goes on. I remember when you surprised me at work in my gross Bennigan's attire after you got back from your cruise. I remember how you hugged my mother and my sister. Remember when you came for Mother's Day to Mapleton, how you stood patiently listening to my Grandpa telling war stories by his plane. I remember our talks. I remember how we could talk for hours, no car trips were quiet. Washington was indescribable. I remember when you'd wait on me when we'd have our midnight cravings. Remember downloading music together--or when you'd say "hey you should download that song," like it was hard to do. I remember how attentive you were with laundry, how you color-coded your shirts. Remember when you took me around to some of the places you helped do landscaping for, you were so proud. I remember the lake, you being so great with Reilly, which wasn't a surprise; you were always mesmerizing to watch when with kids. I remember how you always had to make a special entrance into the water. I remember those ringtones, that for a guy, would surprise anyone. I remember all that knowledge of facts that you would claim was useless, but who else would know the only wrestler from the University of Wyoming to receive a NCAA championship at 167 pounds?
Unfortunately, as many hills as we had, I believe my mind thinks this is just another rocky bottom.
That pillow I grasp for in the middle of the night will have to be my comfort. I miss your twitching feet that got me to sleep. I miss that mole on your left shoulder. And I miss that divot of your shoulder that gave my head comfort while I slept. I miss all those freckles you had around that one knee, how it made you laugh. I miss how cold and clammy your feet got, how painful your bony shins were. I miss those plump lips you disliked. I miss that nightlight from the softball diamond.
The memories trickle in every day...I like to think you are in a better place; that the pain doesn't haunt you anymore. And I like to think you will still give all of us surprises that make us smile. When I was coming to see you for the first time after the funeral, I couldn't help but think of your crazy deer stories when the only deer I spotted was running in the ditch along with me while I was driving.
If you could only see how those Hawks are doing...
Those leaves are starting to blow around, and the cold air can only remind me of you. I promise I will make the best of Halloween Kirk. You will be proud of my costume...
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