What it means to Live with Depression.

You were once my buddy; you were once the only thing that I grew comfort in knowing. I didn't really know myself and I didn't take the time to really know anybody else for my fear of abandonment. So you were the blanket I wrapped myself in at night, the calm I returned to after a long day, and the only one that truly knew me.

Now that it has been millions of minutes, hundreds of days, and a couple of years, I've gotten a glimpse of leaving that dirty old rag of a friend. I caught long glimmers upon nature's most beautiful gifts and I felt the freshness of air envelope my cheeks, leaving me nothing less than grace.

So now when the highs dip beneath the soil and my days appear to have lost their luster, I now have to make a conscious effort to keep my body moving for fear that the motionless will bring me back to the darkness. It is now a way of Life.

I don't find disappointment or really anger in the issue of merely just being able to Live, but I find myself silently accepting and calmly willing. Because who would I be angry with and how would I really be able to change it? Sure Life throws us all through whips and jerks, but we've all been given that resilience, we just have to unwrap it--and I sure as hell have located mine. But lastly, it all solidified when I forgave the One I blamed for everything. I realized that nobody is really ever alone, and nobody is ever really 'given' a hard hand. We are given Life and we simply cannot control all the nasty forces that fester within the entire human race.

So all I can do now is accept that you will resurface; you will try to take away my evenings and my good mornings. You will try to make the muscles in my face numb, ensuring an upwards of a smile is non existent. You will try to deepen the color that surrounds my eyes. You will try to present evil medications to knock me down lubricated and blind. You will try your damnest to lure me into the dark hole I escaped. But I will do what I have to. I will schedule my days, my nights, and my happy moments. I will read to myself affirmations that are true. I will bring out who I truly am in each and every day. I know how to battle it, its just a matter of recognizing the slithering toxins that are so persisent.

I'm not mad, I'm ready.