Alone or Not

Some might say that my mouth indulges a bit,
that the liquid graces my tongue and I am able to lose grip;
I may not know what brought me here
nor do I care what's in the mirror.

I may have a problem,
ever since you went away,
ever since you chose to decay,
I put myself in a jar with no room to stay.

I haven't done a whole lot I can brag upon,
nor have I accomplished much to lean upon,
but I am still here;
what is the alternative,
for me to leave without a tear?

No,
I will not cop out for the cracks in my heart,
I will not leap to escape the hollow parts,
this is who I am now,
and there is no way else to start.

I have fallen in drunken stuper,
called random names to a dear friend,
acted like a bafoon for affection,
and injured myself for merely attention.

though my mind may have not bled out, "see me!"
I pranced around as though you owed me,
through the eyes of the living;
you were scolded and the ones I love
who choose life,
are now in regret for calling my strife.

Its okay though,
I am still alive with pills
but ready to conquer without them;
I would rather they not mutate,
pull me in to abolish all progress
and dictate whether I will digress.

I'm not bleeding anymore
and I'm not calling out your name,
I can withstand the night without you,
Its what I do.

The mess you created,
trickled down to me,
in my pocession,
I ransacked my life,
and gave you all rights to flee.

Taking over the rumble,
I gladly obliged,
its what I did when you were alive,
only makes sense
to do it when you died.

Who cares about my imbalance of perfections,
there isn't a love to judge,
only the ones I can no longer love,
for all have bowed out,
too careless to seek my hunger out.

Pretty sad to say,
but bearable enough to ponder,
that your death got the best of me,
influenced a frenzy upon my circle,
to abandon any miracle.

That you killing yourself in my ears,
would take time for me to realize,
that  you are just gone,
and I would someday rid the poison
calling me to death,
by taking in another breath.

Quiet all voices

I look for reassurance from every open eye,
whipping my mind deciphering their brain,
rendering me helpless on a one way train.

Its time to jump off by a nearby shore,
search for what calms me,
not what makes me bleed.

I will patch up the wounds
and get out of town if its time,
its time for a new rhyme.

Writing for you has been your chain,
connecting me to your death
and blocking every deep breath.

I can inhale now despite my enemies,
ones that have crept up from the grave
or ones that shun if I misbehave.

But the most unnerving leach of all,
remains in this soul of mine
that has simply lost time.

Over

I keep searching for an answer that never comes,

Wishing for the pain to subside

And this wonder a mere phase.

But I leech and grasp onto the limb,

It keeps breaking and I collapse,

Hitting bottom everytime.

I expect to be picked up,

But nobody comes

And I’m left to pick up the branches again.

Learning all over again

How to trace the lines back to me.

My self should suffice,

But it seems ever time I find a crack,

I plummet to the opening,

Chase after a dream,

And quickly realize that the land will not hold.

So I have to brush off the bruises

Or give in to the blues,

I’ll just push through the leaves

And sprawl out for now,

Maybe I’ll find peace in the air tonight.

Never, ever land

just use me and throw me to the side,

play my skin like you can't lose

or need to return to my bed.

let it come as natural passion does,

so that no thought enters

about real life or what we might encounter.

we could just have tonight,

passion building with fire,

rage in my loins

playing out their storyline

where you and i have friction.

it isn't so bad once you think about it,

it can just be for tonight,

just please give in,

don't think of life and all realities,

we only live just once right?

you know my lips tempt yours,

and our minds conjoin with thoughts.

just mend those thoughts into forefront,

make it a turning point for our bond,

a new beginning for our confidence,

a way that i can move on

and you can dream on.

Come on.

i am a lesbian without cause,

bleeding for a affection

wherever i can get the attention.

i don't know who i am

so what does it matter if i stray,

stray, and stray further from who i am.

i don't care too much about looks

or thoughts that make some quiver,

i just want a kiss

and for them to mean it without cost.

why can i not receive

without thinking intricately about the next step,

the next moment where they leave me and i stay here?

won't somebody please just give me confidence,

just one ounce so i can get by?

i wish to get by until i can breathe,

until i know who i am again,

and no longer question my sexuality

because i merely desire passion.

so won't you be my medicaiton for now,

come play with me

and let loose of all inhibitions

while playing the strings on my harp

and listening to the music that creates

from unthought-of actions

that only play out so vividly in my dreams.

sometimes i feel like a nut

i am wrong for wanting more,

i don't deserve a piece of love,

a piece of something better out there.

you are gone and i had my chance,

no other person can take your place

or remind me more of you,

than you.

i am at fault for letting you die,

i did not speak a word

or wish to revive you once more,

i was too tired to speak

and too frustrated with your plea.

you came in you came out,

just as you would please,

you had control over my heart

and still string it together like wool.

i am glad you died,

for i can breathe without knowing you're happy,

that you could be happy without me,

that my self, my body could not save a wreck like you.

we had something at some point,

something that made me feel like a child,

something that sometimes made me feel like a parent,

scolding you to live as an adult,

but you had other plans.

you were going to leave me either way,

so a shock i cannot do,

a person coming and going as they want,

just as you did to me.

i cannot take another soul

choosing the life span of our relationship.

i want control,

i have control of your death,

i did not speak of your poison

or wish to end it all.

for some reason i gained relief,

because i did not want to walk this earth

without you chained around my feet.

we were poison for each other,

bleeding to try and try

make it work

or give in and die.

you gave in and i chose to live,

but now i'm stuck in a prison

where i can never win.

Was it ever real?

If you knew me better,

You would know I'd take the bat,

Bruise as done before,

Welcome it over and over,

As long as I could recover.

But you don't know,

So you will never know.

Poor Me

You believe the poison to be delicate,

Structured and ready to strike.

It was planning the deceit

And training for the fight.

Once willing to kill any remnants of hope,

It planted it's territory and went back to its hole.

Thrash the one to acknowledge the pain,

They can't speak anyways with ducktape on their face.

Cast out the one with clean intentions,

It'll be easier to let them absorb and for you to ignore.

Built on Nothing

Fathom the depression
And the dirt you chose to bathe in,
They have no linking chain
To suppress every sin.
It'll burrow and shout its name,
While you sit and ponder
Why it's come back again
To unveil the shame.
We have no more youth
Or space for reluctance,
You're on in five
And you don't know why.
The devil is back on the market
And he's calling your name,
It just so happens that he delivers
And gift wraps the insane.
What's inside is inevitable
On the premise of self loathing
And taking ones hand
Who already can't stand.

Yet you welcome the dirt
And think the mixture blends,
While ignorantly swallowing
The belief that it'll mend.

I’ll take the anger in,
Who knows how long it will last.
But I do know I can’t survive
The battle between indecision.
Happy or not,
The love is still there
And I can’t tell it to go away.
So I’ll let the redness
Stay for a while
And see how much gumption
I receive to stand tall.
Without you I still bleed,
I can admit when I’m down
But I do know it won’t be forever.

Eclipse

Don’t pick at my dreams
You have no breath
To waste on pretending
Your mouth opens.
You can squeeze out the tar
From the fire burning at your heels,
See if I remove the clamp
And play it any different.
It would still cave in on the wicked
Whipping all slum
Right back into shape
Once it fell slack of love.
The pain subsides at the soil,
Mixed with sweat
Upon your chest
You suffocated.
So don’t point the callous
From your decaying hand
Spouting my recovery as shame
And my coping as morbid.
Though I can’t repair what you have done
Or let go of that lovely glimpse,  
The dead is gone
And my strength defies a corpse.
Grow initiative as done before
To lose the white knuckles
And let the slivers settle;
I already know how to pick for blood.