Our Story

I just can't believe that you are gone. The distance between us has fluctuated often throughout our story, so how can I believe that "Hesper Forever" has already started? It just seems bizarre, you are still here. Among the wrestling children and during games that cause commotion, you are chanting loudly with your hands and sophistication that only arose as a coach.

I am so angry, why did you have to let me go only to chase me afterwords? I suppose it is the perfect replica of our story. But I loved it; I loved you, I still do. How do I yelp with anger or burn my cheeks with the drops you create even after you're gone? These emotions will stay within the walls of my chest, I hope to God that I will survive the pressure.

Kirk, you were simply who I had hoped for after years of sorrow and disappointment upon my midnight pillow. You picked me up when I least expected it, and your presence alone captured my devoted attention of true love. Though you broke my heart, and continue to crack it piece by piece, I surrender to a love that is worth all odds. I promise to not personify you as you are gone, you would only think that I were wrong in that case. I will only speak of you as I did when you were far or near, either way, I always hoped to feel your warmth make the miles; I always hoped for your heart to skip the rocks and make it to my basket. If only you could trust I would carry the fragile beat underneath your chest. Too many scars were my enemy; they were our enemy, our brick wall against love's possibilities. "There was this woman, there was this man. There was this moment they had a chance," I speak of your last words and cringe to a thought that sparked from a mind that I thought was withered and gone. I shatter and break to think your heart found me in the story's end. But what would I have done? What could I have done? How could I keep you in my arms? I tried once. I tried a hundred times. I failed.

You will always have my heart, you captured it when you drove the miles and lifted me towards the ceiling. You held it when I felt alone beside the lake and upon my pillow you closed the gap. You surrounded it with your excuse to wear heels and to find romance in every place possible. You drew it near you when you finally said "I love you Kristin, I always will." Now it remains in the hands of another; it remains underground. And now the story has closed.

PS Do you remember the song "The Night Will go as Follows."
-----I remember that blue light. Your red skin. The ice cubes. That fan in the window. That night of my keyboard and our first. That yellow bike. Your spontaneous trips. The love you finally found, the love I finally found.

My grip

The night is my enemy.
Trickling down my spine,
I whimper at life.

Just a zombie in a shell.
Wanting to die,
I write with tears in my eyes.

Sometimes I seek the pain.
Trying to believe its real,
I revisit our love.

The rollercoaster is all too much.
Thrown back down in a rut,
I resent this deal.

As a pair we gave and took it away.
Alone now without your heat,
I am really on my own.

The separation acted as a plan.
Never expecting a true end,
I am forever waiting.

So you see,
those elements of lasting love
and a dying soul
have the potential to fuel
guilt upon jolting sorrow.

Where I'm left with
a body flailing at sea,
flinching at the pelvic bone,
I suffer almost reaching you.

A Tortured Mind

'Just breathe,' I tell myself.
But I can't escape the hole
that I sink further into
while you are away.

'Don't listen to them,' I tell myself.
They don't know the story,
they could never envision the pain
or the happiness you created.

'He loved you,' I tell myself.
But I think of the brick wall,
the dark valleys where I tried to find you
but never could.

'Its not your fault,' I tell myself.
But what kind of person tries to sleep
when another can only imagine
sleeping forever.

'Your heart will beat again,' I tell myself.
But how do I mend these cracks
and live a life without the one
who holds my heart.

'He was in pain,' I tell myself.
But how do I sift through the anger
and find deep inside that love he professed
at his final moments.

'Sleeping is not important,' I tell myself.
But how do I function as a human
and walk these streets with a voice
or come alive if I get the chance.

'Love like that is gone,' I tell myself.
That shoulder of a pillow is gone.
That freedom of worries is gone.
The adventure of the unknown is gone.
That excitement to come home is gone.
That comfort to be in your eyes is gone.

If only

Kirk,

Why can't you be here to hold my chin up? My eyes refuse to dry out. The drops shed light on a desert without water, yet I can't find any good reason why I am without you. All I want is to rest my palm upon your soft, hairy chest and feel at home. All I want is to know your breathing is existent underneath my fingertips. I want to sleep to the rythm of your breath. I want to chuckle from your invasive smile and I want to chase you down that hall in hopes that I will reach you; I will reach your heart and cuddle with the warmth you create in every laugh. I love you forever, I hope you know that just because my heart was broken and could not breathe and live for you evermore, that I did not love you with all my heart. You were my "one", you were the man I would dream about. Those eyes stood graciously at the end of that aisle. Those hands wrapped around my sorrows. That smile brought dances to my heart. But I just could not live every breath for you anymore; I was not strong enough to make you happy. Your happiness meant the world to me, but sooner or later I had to die because of it. I chose to live. You chose to die.

Kirk I miss you so much--only these somber, lonely nights can attest to the amount I feel. Some moments I feel as if I can't move on, but I know you would just call me stupid. You could never accept the gift in front of you. You wanted me to live, to be happy, to have someone who'd make me happy. But all I ever really wanted was you. I wanted you in my arms, your smile in my eyes, and your sigh upon my chest. If only I could hold you now, and ease the pain so you could live happy in my arms forever; if only I could feel your shield forever. If only I could have sustained the pain longer, I could have enjoyed your arms forever.

Destruction Reigns

Don't wanna come home to slurred conversations and built up lies. Don't wanna come home to your walk that ranges every meeting spot in the next mile. Don't wanna hear your voice slipping from word to word, proclaiming intelligence of another glass full of potent destruction. Don't wanna see you sway and miss your opportunity to profess love to an innocent stranger who needs affection. You are always gone, and its not your fault they say. You have only upkept jobs that have taken over your life. Still now, I cannot get your attention, your sober attention.

If only your laughs could be of sober, joyous occasions. If only at a time when my body lies in your realm, I could feel proud. If only we could share a talk without a drink.