Today, another day

I simply miss you. Days utterly go by, piercing time into my heart. How has it been a year since I have looked into your eyes? I hate straining to see your face behind mine. I swore I felt you today, so many tickles to the neck; a brush here, a brush there. After peaking around my back, I wondered what I was searching for. I am still crazy for you; you still give me chills within the passion trails through those memories. Without control, you come into my mind every time it starts to settle its waves. "There is no time line," my therapist says. But how do I escape the fear of time monopolizing on my footsteps? I continue to stand still, too scared to miss what is now never a possibility, too scared to open the door and step foot outside where you are no longer. Our story cannot be experienced by any but our own. And our own, is my own to carry. To have one love of your life is a fairytale, to know I will forever have two, is an unprecedented blessing.

My World

Look at her over there,
standing so low underneath solemn light
caressing her spine peaking out.

Is that a tear I see?
I think it splashed the concrete
awakening the vast tunnel behind her.

Her profile is so depressing;
she is a motionless noodle
slinking below the ground.

What is she doing on the floor?
She must enjoy cuddling with dirt,
twirling her fingers with a close friend.

Her dress is all messy,
the white is blurring to black
erasing innocence within the stitches.

Where did she go?
Whispering 'hello' to the tunnel,
the echo answers the child.

In an instant

My head starts to pound
as I yelp through the persistent tears.

Hot and tired, my head between my knees
I force myself to carry my heavy body.

Picking up the black, silky tissues
I gravitate towards my channel.

As I sit and type
Inside I shatter to "with out without you".

My eyeballs burn underneath the heavy drapes
and I waver to keep awake.

Avoiding the sheets where you are not.

That post-it found
zapped my now plump veins.

Flooding the knotted disbelief,
as the vibrant memories bleed fresh.

Once a simple and delicious recipe,
now a paper cut straight to the heart.

Drowning

I cannot breathe
I do not want to breathe
I am alone
and I can't bare the light

I avoid sleeping
because it is real
it is a normal routine
that if with you
I would be wonderful at

I have that song repeating
drowning me further down
but I can't shut it off
it draws me nearer

I cannot try normal
I don't know how
when you have left
this world to rest

I want rest
I want peace
I want you
to call my home

I don't want this stress
I don't want chaos
or worrying how I feel
or how others feel about me

I spent years in paranoia
found you to cure the weakness
and now have lost you
to sadness

Enough to make another person sad
for a lifetime
not knowing where to go
or how to love

You are gone
and honestly I can't handle
I told you I had to let go
but I still cannot

I remember crippling
in the arms of my sister
saying "I can't do this"
when you were here
and I was there

So how can I attempt
at this whirlwind life
when I get thrown more
atop what I couldn't accept
before you chose to end
this whirlwind life

Towards Something.

The heart walks prominently out into the field, looking both ways into the abyss. With regret it nudges forward to the chaotic crowd chanting the correct route. It continues to scream destiny that lies in moving forward toward is change, towards letting go. It yells and yells until the heart starts to bleed. Atop the hill, just before it descends below towards the chaos and judging faces of a salty bleeding cheek, the heart turns around. It begins to walk with the breeze. The clouds carry forth the heart towards the cool sensation of peace. The heart is continuously pulled to something, to the answer. The heart awaits for the answer to shout out, "It's okay!" But the heart continues to wander, not knowing where to go or what to feel, because on any given day it could shed blood or bellow cheer. But with doubt, it does neither. So the heart is left to follow either direction, never within itself. The heart then bows to either side, and walks straight down the middle, disappearing after the valley becomes higher than the heart.

"All Around Me" on repeat

I avoid the sheets,
awaiting a thrill
but it never comes
for a desperate soul.

I bleed the absence
of your failed spirit
and yearn to rebuild
the ghost you've left.

I dwell on the past
for I cannot know
where your heart went
or where you rest.

I feel you here
but I doubt afterlife
since my faith drowned
with you in that car.

I don't believe much
I scare myself
I rarely get excited
and I sit and drink.

I want to believe
in the love you professed
during the last hours
but I still question you.

I go crazy over you
still in in love
possessing tension
continuously one-sided.

I cannot breathe
I feel you around me
questioning my doubt
disappointed at jealousy.

Like a reflex
I know you loved me
but I cannot force
my mind to forget.

I question my worth.

Support dies without knowledge

You spout his name as if
he still roams this earth,
as if our story is similar
to every other minute bond.

I suppose you cannot understand
this hole I have fallen through,
a place so foreign
for a fortunate soul.

But why must you compare?
We became magnets to our love
and addicted to the storms,
something unlike anything you know.

Our story is not fit for children,
it isn't what you're accustomed to,
it is a rare twist
with a man who didn't just want another.

A man so complicated,
"a child trapped in an adult's body,"
trapped to ties
that eventually unraveled his heart.

It came loose
as did his surroundings,
drowning to imagine finally finding
"something he actually wanted."

"Not knowing how to act,"
from a damaged view of a life
he never felt he deserved
until he fell in love.

A stubborn man so determined
that his idea of life beyond 25
would never happen
even if it meant pushing away
the one who could grant him
that very idea.