Tracing Back

This muddy river is beginning to seep into my nostrils. Wading along the current, I continue to float uncomfortably. I don't enjoy this murky water or the taste of dirt trickling down my throat, but I always end up allowing the ripples to take me on down.

This blood stream is beginning to eat away at my skin. Velvet red upon my ivory flesh is starting to put fear into my pupils. Bubbling at the surface upon my forearms, the pain pricks the hairs but never makes it to my chest. My heart is safe in the warmth you cast.

This gray lake is beginning to drown me in its vast darkness. The liquid appears clear up close, bouncing up and down my body. But once I look to find my feet, I can only sense them kicking.

This clear replenishment is beginning to take over my once boiling veins. Splashing into the humidity of my past, the droplets left a refreshing residue. Finally I found peace in your overtaking, gentle waves. Letting them flush the rocks, I basked in the hushing sounds of your waves that you created with your touch. Lifting my heavy soul with those cool blue eyes, I was lighter than a boat. Sailing within your waves, I felt home.

Keep Breathing

I thought the world stopped when mine stopped. Apparently everyone is not aware of how little it could take for me to slip. The cliff is right at my toe nails but people still occasionally like to see the pebbles fall beneath me. "Whoa" they say, that was close. But I still make it; thus far the burning inside has not ended me in engulfing flames. I may waver back and forth over the million miles of air below me, but I seem to stay on ground somehow. But sometimes I don't even want the ground at my toes, the boiling blood beneath my skin is too hot to let settle. I just want to jump. And let the cool breeze of rapid air send blue waves through my blood stream. I want the air to brush away that hair and feel the fresh invisible blanket upon my face. If only it were so simple.

Sleeping is not sleeping without you

I don't want to go to bed, because I fear you will not be there. That "skinny" pillow you once rested your head upon does not suffice. Sure, I can pretend that the soft, plump corner is your shoulder, but will it lift up and down? How can I sleep knowing that you are not breathing next to me?

Up and down, up and down your soft, "hairy" chest would beat. Your eyelids looked so calm as the fan air brushed your bangs away. Incomparible to the rest of your body, your legs refused to lay still, "RLS" you claimed as your disorder. My head nuzzled upon the divot between your shoulder and your chest, with my hand upon your stomach, tempted to tickle you knowing I would hear that giggle and a "stop" with a big grin. The sheet between the wind from my mouth upon your skin was too much of a separation you called for; my leg wrapped around yours, my foot resting upon your "bony shin".

If I adjusted to the other side of the bed, you would nuzzle your mouth upon the back of my shoulder; you would reach between the distance with great grip, gasp, and sigh of relief; your hands were around something "safe," you once said.

So what do I do now when I toss and turn, trying either direction for your skin and naturally "radiating body heat"? Do I keep searching for something I will not find? Or will you grace me with your likes to "cuddle"?

I will acknowledge this day.

I know you were with me tonight. You, the only person in this world knows how I get that tingling feeling in my cheeks. Couldn't help but know you were there when my one cheek started feeling funny as I lifted those weights.

Last night I remember your presence in my dreams. We were at our apartment in North Liberty, your lap as my pillow. You mentioned your sadness over seeing me sad. I can't help but feel sad my love--this sadness will continue while you are unreachable through the clouds.

No matter where we were in our path, I wouldn't have ever been able to let you go. You were my one, and now you are gone. These feelings for you never drifted away. They are still here, hoping you will visit me another day.

----12:16am 10/28/09

"Baby I Got You"

Listening to Breaking Benjamin's new album is painful, yet it medicates my loneliness. You are there in their bellowing sound; man how you loved it when he ripped out that sound. I see true love 10 minutes away around my sister and brother-in-law, and everywhere else; I wish you were here for me to love. I did love you like the sand yearns for the waves; I still love you more than you ever imagined or wanted to believe.

Seeing your lips quiver and those eyes flood traumatized my heart. I can't go on in this world knowing I couldn't stop the water and cool those temples. I lived to cradle your sadness, and I held the pain as long as I could. But now, after I lost all strength, I wish I would have cupped those tears longer; I wish I could have been stronger to withstand the rain so your heart could have felt safe and dry just one more day.

10-28

The day you wished not to recognize is creeping ever so closely. That same day would have surpassed your expectations, your dreams. 26 you would be on that day. 1 year older than you ever imagined. I still see you living and breathing, making that day what it is. Simple and true, it will be a day I honor you. Every day is a day for you, but that day I will make it spontaneous and remarkable; more than you ever expected on a day of your birth. It is all for you; I love you, and will until my last breath.

Why did you have to leave

You have my heart
in the blanket of your palms,
galloping through the clouds,
you carry it gently in your warmth.

My heart basks in the joy
you cup in the wrinkles
worn in the creases
that make skin so delicate.

Safe my heart feels,
in those hands I feel home,
I feel as though I can get through this,
I think I can muster courage to not see those eyes.

However I don't want to never see your face again,
I wish I could gaze upon those cheek bones,
upon those plump lips and sea blue eyes,
I just wish for one last time.

But I had you in my arms,
I had your voice through the lines,
and I lost you completely--
I can't bare the loss of love.

I can't walk these lands
without the love I couldn't live without.