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I want to see you.

Can't I find you?

I want your voice.

Can't I hear 'I love you'?

I want to feel your chest.

Can't I fall asleep to your heart?

I cannot

Live the rest.

It's not my fault

The night is evil
playing in the dark
with one eye open
to the naive stranger
walking through the park

Unable to see
through the leaves
the toes walk
the treacherous land
approaching each tree
as a thief

Feeling the rough bark
I cautiously tend
to a living thing
for my body
is escaping life
with a cringe

This ground is dirty
and my toes feel the beads
like sand underneath the sun
but I awake to a moon
shining upon the blue soul
my mind has spun

Just you and me

What we both know
is that this love
is far from the ordinary

What we both know
is that it was always hard
to live without one another

What you knew
was that we could start again
that we could still have a family
that I was what you always wanted
that all I did was love you
that you wanted to talk again

What we both knew
was "I love you"

What we both know now
is that "There was this woman,
There was this man,
There was this moment
they had a chance."

You will always have my heart

This brick wall is killing my intentions to ever rebuild a relationship that bleeds within the walls of my heart. Most people get more chances than deserved to settle or tackle a love gone down in spirals. But I have the pleasure to sit and wonder. Though my heart was trampled upon, it still beats to find yours. Will it then survive from the lack of tempo your invisible body creates?

I tremble when I allow my mind to escape to a time when you returned. The times when your heart came back to mine on bended knee stole my breath and pierced slipping drops of heat down my cheeks. I was then capable to breathe calmly because you returned and were willing to tackle happiness; this was the greatest pleasure ever known. Gripping for that moment once again, my dreams resonate a decision of my own to go back to a love that overtook my soul. A love that brought out my inner being. A love that, among all the outside chaos, was the only thing that brought me back in towards peace.

My eyes wonder and my skins starts to wave. I remember your nervous hiccups and the words you tried to speak. After a lengthy, exposing letter I never thought I could be overtaken again. But you trembled as I cried for you to catch the tears. I remember the feeling to be at ease that no matter the noise, being with you was my choice, and you were there to hold me. You promised strength and support within those rigid lines of criticism. And that was all I needed; the choice to be in your arms was always easy. And it kills me that it is no longer a choice.

Blinded

The ornaments of today
match the streams
flowing through my veins.

Pumping with all its might,
my heart suffers through the strain
so I can witness the rain.

Drenched in other cries of smiles,
my skin projects a powder blue glow,
shaking to my solo cries of sorrow.

Do You Dare to Step Inside

I don't care as the bass
vibrates the tips of my toes,
below may be resting heads
however I am feeling the flow.

I don't care about the clock,
it ticks to 6 hours of sleep
but I can't close these lids anyways;
If only I could set that bed a blaze.

I don't care about my liquor throat,
the wine soothes my mind for now;
it keeps me from the will
to allow myself only a prison window sill.

I don't care about dreading my morning,
40 hours in one cell
will be 40 less hours to give in
to this spell.

I don't care about the noise,
when it comes down to me and the paper,
it is me and you I speak of,
no one else exists in this love.

But I do care about what they think,
I ponder that night
and let the guilt set in
by the closest enemy in sight.

I do care about my exhausted actions,
I let you fall to the final hour,
and said No to another call
whereas I'm left with no reclamation to recall.

I do care about our last words,
Though thankful of our I Love Yous,
I cringe to a promise
I now keep as an accomplice.

I do care that my stomach wants to protrude,
the very thought of you underneath ground
makes my lungs whimper
and my eyes search for something sound.

I do care that you hurt me by leaving,
many pieces of your heart chipped off along the way,
through the hurricanes I dried my heart each time,
ready and willing to again get swept away.

Your heart plead till its last drop,
but not in time to rejuvenate the dryness
I began to know
as my only glow.

Offbeat to the last second,
I bleed to know that timing was everything,
but I find no liquid left,
only a love that will never be put to rest.

Your face

I turn over to the passenger seat and I try to see the side of your grin. I turn over to your side of the bed and feel for the dent upon your pillow. I see familiar smiles and close my eyes to see your mouth wide open in between sighs of laughter. I see sea blue in a person's iris and I fall to pieces. I hate time and its evil ways of stretching the distance between me and you. The control was in our hands when you were walking this earth, I could rest at sea in your arms whenever I wanted. But now time uses its trickery to present me with an impossible situation. I can't bare for time to erase your phrases but I can't withstand the time that I sit through the seconds.

When I'm least expecting the sensation of your memory I hear people chanting a familiar phrase without even realizing the consequences of one word. Little do they know when they project that hyphenated word in a unison scream, my world is crumbling over in the corner, upon that sinking cushion, inside that disguise of a blouse, underneath the beating chest, and within that panicked heart.

I miss you now, and evermore, more than any feeling I have ever known.

You are here with me.

I still feel the shield.
Though your soft chest cannot
rest underneath my cheek,
I feel that it will "be ok."

The noise outside is overwhelming.
But when I think of your calmness,
your "don't worry" agenda,
I walk to my own beat.

The smooth thoughts run red.
Flickering the light switch,
I tip over from floating
and realize I am not ready.

The lonely heart of mine bleeds.
I know you are near,
I can't help the jolting pelvis
in the dim bed next to your pillow.

Every curve of the road smells like home.
But you are not making the turns;
you are not navigating a life
and that makes me crumble.

'Keep thinking of HIM' I say.
He would want me to get up,
and live my own life;
he would never accept much honor.

But who will break down the bricks?
When my mind blisters,
who will make some sense
out of the complicated mess?

Your mind was so simple,
yet had so many different paths.

I miss your complexity
upon mine.